I can't
The last few months have been... rough, to say the least; and I wrote this when it really started going downhill for me at the start of February. I thought long and hard about posting it here, because sometimes I wonder whether posting about, well, basically burnout or depression, could be of help to people other than me. Still, I remember writings of other people sometimes helping me immensely in feeling seen or giving me some kind of hope as they dealt with similar topics, so I suppose I can post that, too.
Content warnings for burnout, panic attack, general mental health problems, and overall a sense of trying to just... survive in this world.
I hope you take care, as I've been trying to.
It's been two hours since I woke up and I can't
I have to work today - a presentation to prepare for tomorrow - and I can't
I've idled away these two hours on the Internet
Doing nothing
Just to avoid the day
Because I can't
But
I know I will have to
And I know I will
So I force myself up
Try to go eat something
Make breakfast
Anything to start the day
And I feel the underlying anxiety
Which was all around me already
Attack my throat
And lungs
And suddenly I'm having a panic attack in my kitchen
And I can't
I just can't
I can't work
Not with my broken brain
Not in this broken world
Not even on things that used to bring me joy
And tears start to fall
Unbidden
And now it's not just a panic attack but a full-blown crisis
I just crash on the nearest sofa
And cry, and cry, and cry
And I don't even know what's wrong
(I do know
I know everything's wrong
I know my brain has been trying to kill me in various ways for years
And particularly in the last two months)
I just know
That I can't
That I will have to
But that I can't
Maybe part of the difficulty is also that I don't want to anymore
I don't want to work
I don't want to prove my value to anyone ever again
I just want
I just need
Some space and time
To rest and cry
And maybe do things I want
When I feel like it
But I just can't function under pressure anymore
It's broken me
(Even without pressure so much of the fun is gone
So I suppose I can't function at all
Let me dysfunction, then
Let me repair myself slowly
Learn to care
Learn to soothe the storms
Without any deadline
Without any world outside awaiting for what I should do
Without anything that I should do in the first place
Except self-care)
That will never be granted to me, and I know it
So
I don't know how I'm going to survive this
I just know taking some breakfast will help
Probably
And that I can try
And give space to my tears
And do what I can
One step at a time