Glow
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I am glowing in a way you've never seen me glow.
I am glowing with a strength I have never ever felt - except once, last June, at the Pride.
I am glowing with love, and self-acceptance, and safety. I have been radiating sheer euphoria for a whole weekend; a ray of pure happiness, blasting through the heart of all my friends, whatever the emotional distance. From rekindled friendships to past roommates, from old friends to new acquaintances, they all felt it.
They all felt me.
And I felt them too, my self finally deploying its wings, heart bare, tears of joy at the corner of my eyes, full of positive feelings in a way I never thought could exist. It feels like a veil has been torn away from the world, and I can finally tap into the raw emotions of seeing and loving people.
Did you know I cared about people? I didn't. I used to be filled to the brim with pressure, envy, jealousy and shame; who knew I could actually be filled with so many other feelings? Did you know loving and helping people were so, so much more purposeful that any kind of fame, productivity or "good behavior"? Did you know there was solace in hugs, and rest, and being alive?
I didn't. You didn't teach me.
Until recently, I didn't know what it felt like to wake up surrounded with a group of loved ones, who I could trust with my entire self, who I could be that open and vulnerable with - an endless fuel for my inner sun. I didn't know what it felt like to have long, heartfelt, intimate conversations with so many people ready to listen, understand me and support me; and I didn't know how to listen, understand and support back.
I know, now.
I glow, now.
And with this shine, we will build a world so much more beautiful than yours. A world where you talk about your emotions, a world where you communicate your needs while tending to those of others, a world where you kiss, and hug, and cry, and where intimacy is not a limited quantity. A world where nothing is expected of anyone except being true to themselves, and caring. About others, about ourselves, and about this secret little haven we will never let you have.
I am living with my friends, and my lovers, and all the liminal space that exists between these. I am living with my family, and
it is.
not.
you.
I am glowing, and you will not make me go back to the dull world I used to live in. I will bare my teeth and fangs, spread my wings, and so will they. We will form a community of the broken and the monstrous, because you broke us, and you made us monstrous; and we will take a stand with all the ones you hurt.
We will reclaim our selves, and we will fill their cracks with the flowers we're making bloom.
And to you, who refused to see the glow, to accept the scales and the feathers, you who vainly tried to turn us into clay, I promise one thing:
You will not have any of us back.