Februaryuri 2026 afterword
Februaryuri 2026 is now over; thank you for tagging along during my past week and a half of posting! (or for reading this from the future, for that matter)
I've always wanted to debrief and write afterwords for the previous two Februaryuri sessions but ended up each absolutely drained; but it's less the case this year (yay!), so here I go!
First: I love doing these. I want to say this again and again. It's a kind of research and putting my thoughts into order on fictions I liked and getting into a flurry of adjacent topics through footnotes and extras that I'm very enthusiastic about.
But second: it's always quite... demanding. The blog format doesn't really help: it's somewhat easier to post stuff on social media (minus the terror of possibly being seen by many more people) because what I write would often feel drowned into everything people would be posting, and there's a slightly clearer notion that what you post is often a snapshot of your opinions at a given moment (all the more in a microblogging format).
In comparison, a blog with longform posting is visited more purposefully by its readers; and it feels like a showcase of the writer's thoughts laid bare in a way that feels more... definitive? Not that it is, of course. But sometimes it's harder to interiorize that a long, detailed post on a topic, put on the same level as every other post of yours, isn't a commitment to seeing that topic that way forever.
And so I often feel like I need to find the exact right words about everything I write, so that they still feel representative of my opinions if someone were to read my older posts later. Aaaaand these are not realistic expectations anyone should have in the long run, and it's not something I tend to feel toward other people, but I sure do toward myself.
This is also increased by the concept of recommending fictions with some very big problems or content warnings. Am I clear enough about the issues I'm pointing out here? How can I make sure that I'm not recommending something too lightly, with the risk that it would possibly offense someone who may try it? I love that fiction, but should I make room for it on a public platform considering that it also contains elements that make me uneasy (or sometimes, that I outright want to condemn)? How should I balance my sincere display of joy around its existence on some points, and my will around activism and spreading awareness about its flaws? How do I recommend and criticize at the same time? At its worst: how do I do not to contribute to some kind of purity culture but also not to be low-key complicit in harm?
(Note that I would never have all those expectations around other people recommending me things. At worst I'd be like "oh yeah, I couldn't engage with this fiction personally (possibly because of this or that problem), but your recommendation makes me understand what you see in it and I still find that interesting" and at no point judging the person for this.)
At this point, let's point out the elephant in the room: OCD.
I've always had a variety of obsessive-compulsive behaviors; and it seems clear here that they've latched onto most things I make online under that manifestation - to a point where I can obsess for a week around slightly rewriting something I've written because it doesn't feel right yet. It doesn't exactly convey what I want it to convey, and surely switching this adjective for that one or changing this comma's place will improve it. It took me a while to recognize this not as "perfectionism", but really as a mental health issue that would invade 90% of my cognitive functions for days.
There's also a moral OCD part to this. What if this hurts someone?! what if someone disagrees and/or really think what I make is hurtful and holds it really strongly against me?? How can I do best with what I make? How can I do best with what I talk about? Should I not write this in the first place? et cetera, et ecetera.
But sometimes it's not even that. It's really just: oh I've posted this AMV (I also happen to make AMVs, to a degree that has really intensified in the past year, and I'm delighted of this) but I think this shot should've come two frames earlier; but the video is now online; but no one has seen it yet, should I unpost it and reupload it before anyone finds this flawed version with a flaw no one will see but I won't help but notice every time? What I did is not perfect yet, but I can make it better, just give me a little more time; ok now it's great, but wait, there's also this-- rinse and repeat.
And... whew. And Februaryuri has been a big trigger for these kinds of feelings during each of the past three editions. Honestly, anything I make online is to some degree a trigger for it.
But, well. I also love doing this. So I'll be trying to soften the blow some more, and to develop more resources around this through therapy, because at this point this behavior of mine is, like, really clear.
(oh wow, I realize halfway through that I actually already wrote about those exact feelings a year ago. recognizing this as OCD now feels like a step forward.)
Ok, this post wasn't exactly supposed to get this intense. I also just wanted to say that I was so happy to have taken the time to write all this during the past week and a half, that I feel proud of doing so despite all of my brainworms - and these are still good feelings to cling to.
... Where was I going with this? I don't know. I just wanted to write some kind of behind-the-scenes I suppose. Something less tightly controlled and tenaciously rewritten than the previous posts. It's not easy.
I'm probably going to take a break from Februaryuri in 2027 after three years at it (though not from recommending yuri here or there in the off-season, of course). Not just for the aforementioned reasons; also simply to repopulate my backlog of yuri media I want to recommend enthusiastically after 34 titles over the past three years. But heh, maybe I'll still do something small to celebrate - I do have a few ideas. We'll see when we're there. 2027 feels like a dreadful perspective considering *waves hand* the world; but--
... yeah.
Anyway. Thank you for sticking with me. Take care, as much as you can, of yourselves and your close ones.
On my end, I have a ton of other post ideas or drafts, and I'm eager about posting more on a lot of stuff! But to celebrate getting through this, I'll be taking the next month off the blog to rest.
Rest is good.
(yes, I've kept drawing these two in the past few days after my recent pokémon-related lesbian chimera revelation. I'm happy about this - it's been a surprisingly soothing activity. I think I'm gonna keep doing that for a bit.)
See you later!